It's like a parade of train wrecks.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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