i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
