New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
