Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
this just has baby written all over it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
