STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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