I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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