Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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