He felt like a one man threesome
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
