I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
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Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
