Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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