Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
