The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
