You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
