He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sext me about skeletons
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
