We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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