first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
