You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
