if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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