I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
