I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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