Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
