Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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