If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
