if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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