got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
