Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
