I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
