So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
