If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
