if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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