I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
