sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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