Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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