someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
