I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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