I hate your face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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