Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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