I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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