There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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