Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
