so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
