He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize