it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
