If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
