Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
