remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He better not be in your backpack
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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