I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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