woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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