yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
