the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
