I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
