I think I died a long time ago.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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