i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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