this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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