We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
