...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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