Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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