when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
